#whereas I appreciate that I always feel like my brother is taking me seriously esp in my experience as a trans person

[complete-gay-chaos]

I think it's pretty cool to be able to talk to my brother about politics. we're both in a similar position of having to vote pretty soon, which is yknow kind of insane that a birthday happens and suddenly your opinion officially matters. so it's nice to have someone that you can joke around with and not necessarily know all the answers around because they won't judge you.

[thoughtsoahr]

4/27/19

Hey hey hey here to say (lol rhyme) that i fucking love love love my real big sister and my frat big! I know i sound like such a smol person right now who cant do anything for herself-- which isnt true i can do a lot of shit on my own thank you very much-- but i think growing up as a little sister for real shaped how i view things and how i act and so im definitely forever in the little sister mindset despite being 20 years old and having a little of my own now HAHAHAH but it feels good to have people who genuinely want to take care of you and look out for you even people who arent my big(s) look out for me constantly and are so so caring and for that im just so so so thankful!!!! not to get all emotional or simpy but yallreadyknow im a very emotional and simpy person.

Get ready bc its about to get reaaalll here

[speaking about my non biological big]

Choosing my big a little over a year ago, i had no real idea what kind of relationship would transpire. I knew i wanted a guy big since I already have a big sister, so I chose a big brother on the basis of someone i could learn from and look up to as a role model kinda. not super serious as it sounds, but in general i wanted someone to look up to like my big sis!! After some advice i chose my big and like i was pretty neutral about my decision because i had no idea who i wanted to pick so i just picked one i knew id at least be okay with. So throughout the first semester, i saw other people and their bigs getting really close and i got kinda jealous bc mine never realy asked to hang out much but i get that different people mighht not be that proactive and initiative of things so it was ok, also these other people chose their bigs because fromt he get go they knew for sure they wanted that person whereas i had no fucking clue HAHAHA

This first semester it was awkward like any other friendship right like you barely know the person so u go to small talk and shit (eventually when youre actual real good friends you can joke around without it being awkward and roast the other person knowking the other person has good intentions!!) but then the next semester we hung out more and i really like it when we hang out as a whole line too i think that helped! really fortunate to have such an active line that still talks to eachother and gets food :,) So yeah were like good friends now esp after this semester (his last semester tho, sad :( ) and i guess the one thing i felt like lacked was being able to talk to him about deep stuff like stuff ill talk to with my actual big sister bc i regularly call my sisterbecause i lowkey think i have mild depression but i think thats a story for another post HAHAH anyways its definitely beneficial for me to talk about it outlod with someone whether it be on the phone of in person and the phone is good i always feel better when i talk to my sister about it but sometimes i just want a hug ya know so it would be nice to talk sto someone in person ! anywas i was always hesitant to talk to my big about these things bc i guess we could joke around and hang out fine but it really is a different level of friendship when you can share your problems and mental health issues... and before you say oh why dont you talk to your other friends i feel like i dont want to burden them with these ramblings and have them feel ba for me because when i tell my housemates these types of things (although i know theyre not judging and they actually care about me) i cant help but feel like theyre silently judging me for having so many problems and bitching about small problems also cuz im sure another one o fmy housemates suffers from depression so i dont want to trigger her anyways so last night it was like a lit ass party which i missed out on but im def okay withit because i basically talked the whole night with my big about some stuffs and it felt good knowing that he knows the extent and details about it and knows how i feel about it because i think he knew before it just wasnt clear clear ((but we were both rly fcked up hahahah i guess alcohol really is a relaxant haha made me okay with spilling what i always wanted to spill without feeling weird about it)) anyways his response is what really got me because as we were talking about it okay so it went like this

Me: “blah blah this happened and i know i was dumb and naiive for letting it happen”

Other person in room: “yeah thats why i stayed up so late to make sure you were okay and didnt get taken advantage of again”

--this night my big also stayed awake pretty late but i think because he didnt really know the extent of the issue, he was oblivious which isnt his fault, also the other person knew bc shes a girl and was also targetted i think so we kinda were on the same page--

Big’s response after hearing this: (paraphrased and what i remember from the night mind you i was fucked up so my memory might not be the best lol) “wait what?? If i had known i would have stayed up” and he followed up with “Im not kidding if someone would lay a finger on you i would actually knock the shit out of them”

he said this in a really serious tone and lol the shift from regular party to serious conversation tone was really sudden but im glad we were able to talk about this in a serious tone. After hearing this i was kinda like surprised because ive never really seen him talk that seriously before usually were all joking around but i really appreciate it when i have friends who i can talk about serious things with because in the long run its these relationshps thall help you when youre down and everything and ugh just yeah

TLDR; Im really grateful to have a non biological big that cares for me and looks out for me like my real biological big and after last night Im one hundo percent sure i picked the right big and im just so so thankful for all hes done :,)